This worked last time, so I’ll give it another crack. What’s
weird this time is I’m procrastinating about my procrastinating. I finished my
beer, just so I had to go and get another one before writing this sentence, for
example.
Why some organisations restrict applications to character
limits rather than words is beyond me. Trump wouldn’t have a problem with this
application 500 characters would give him heaps of space to use ‘the best
words’ that he ‘knows’. I pay a fair bit of attention to world events and Old
Donald’s been getting a bit of play lately. I’m still waiting on those promised
‘best words’. He said it himself on the campaign trail and while I couldn’t
have voted for him if I wanted to, I was intrigued.
THE BEST WORDS! I was excited to say the least. WORDS are
valuable to a writer and The Candidate was promising that he had the prime cuts
of the literary world. Why no one else seemed as excited about this as I was,
confused me. Sure, I didn’t want him to win, but when he did…
THE WORDS! I was salivating at the prospect. When was he
going to release them? Would they be Public Domain, or would he Trademark them
so that only the most successful of writers could afford to use them? These are
important questions and I am waiting for them to be answered. Roll smoke,
change music. No answers still. The talk is about the impending Mid-Term
Elections and no WORDS. Excluding names of countries and people he stumbles
over the most impressive WORD you ever hear him utter is ‘collusion’ and he
looks bloody pleased with himself that he learnt that one. But parrots can
learn to speak without understanding the WORDS.
Not that I’m suggesting The President of The United States
is a parrot, he’s clearly one of The Lizard People. Craig Kelly though… What
sort of a twit advocates becoming mates with Russia and ‘moving on’ (may not be
a direct quote, no internet yet can’t find the transcript) in the same bloody
week as the anniversary of those pricks shooting down a passenger jet with
30-odd Australians on it? There’s a bloody parrot for you. As soon as Trump
came out a bit tender from two hours in Putin’s sound proof sodomy cave for
debriefing and mis-read – that’s right, watch the fucking footage, he was
reading that response from notes, it wasn’t off the cuff – ‘wouldn’t’ as
‘would’, Craig Kelly was out there telling victims families to get over it.
Fuck that for a joke. I’m not a victims’ advocate and I
don’t know anyone who was affected by the incident, but as a fucking human you
could have timed that one better. Or even better just don’t say it. Especially
when The Government you are a part of know it was Russia that was bloody
responsible and have made accusations and produced evidence to that effect.
If Ivan had given up a few sacrificial Military Officers to
The Hague, Parrot Kelly might have been able to get away with it. I’m not
really surprised though. Kelly appeals to that ignorant base that Trump relies
on and apparently Trumps approval rating has barely shifted after he told NATO
and The EU that he considered them foes followed by lecturing Theresa May on
how to run her country and finally taking the word of a fucking KGB agent over his
own Intelligence Agencies. They say that Intelligence Agents never retire, and while
The KGB might have changed its name Putin runs the bloody country. FSB, GRU,
who gives a shit what acronym they use, that fucker knows who did everything
regarding MH17 and organising the election disruptions.
Trump came out and informed the world that he either can’t
read, or ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ are clearly nowhere near ‘THE BEST WORDS’ so he
hadn’t bothered to learn how to say them up until this point. Or maybe no one
told him what an apostrophe does, so he just stopped when the letters didn’t
make sense anymore. Who knows how The Lizard People think? Parrots are easier.
Kelly on hearing the news, scrambled to offer an ‘unreserved
apology’ to victims’ families. Until Trump told reporters that he doesn’t think
Russia is continuing to interfere in The American Political Process. Craig The
Parrot was quickly out there modifying his apology to ‘any offence caused’ and
explaining that he believes Russia did shoot down the plane, but they won’t do
it again and can we just be nicer to them because they refuse to tell us who
ordered the strike.
The Major Parties wonder why people are disillusioned with
mainstream politics when people like Craig Kelly have a say in decision making
in Australia. There is plenty of stupidity on both sides of The Chamber and
Politicians backtrack and reverse their positions all the time, but Kelly just
made a Trumpoyal mess of the whole thing. I’m curious to see if he cops any
backlash at the next election. Whoever plans on running against him might be
served well to remember this little fuck up. But he won’t have to worry about
that until 2019 as Turnbull has promised us (Which is as useful as tits on a
bull, but eh, he promised so much when he got rid of Abbott).
Talk about a disappointing Politician. Turnbull is the lamest
Prime Minister I can think of. Surging to power with talk of a forward-thinking
approach to energy, support for same sex marriage and former figurehead of The Australian
Republican Movement but also the Financial nuance to get The Budget sorted out.
Even people in the Labor Party were excited at the prospect of a centrist Prime
Minister they might be able to deal with. While not admitting it publicly, The
Greens were probably pretty chuffed when he got the nod.
Then came the shackles. He’d made too many deals with too
many people for their support and had to abandon most of his personal views to placate
his party and The Nationals. Now he presents as the nonce he always has been.
No one ever suggests that he took the job for the money. It isn’t required,
simple perception would demonstrate to anyone paying attention that he’s only
interested in prancing around and over enunciating the letter ‘U’ in his fancy WORDS.
To give the man some credit, he at least knows a few WORDS beyond ‘Great’ and ‘Very’
and ‘Bad’.
This may have been what caused the schism in that now
infamous phone call after The Donald pipped Hillary. Old Trumbull used big
WORDS and Trumpballs didn’t have anyone nearby to explain them to him. Thinking
that Malcolm was being condescending (con-di-send-ing. Good work puppy, here’s
a treat) Donald had a tantie but after having it explained to him that The Aussie
PM is a supercilious prick, he recognised a fellow Lizard People. Becoming
Super Best Friends, Trump let us send our Steel and Aluminium to his country
without tariffs because Turnbull gave the secret hiss and Trudeau couldn’t.
Theresa May tried, but Trump considers her Skink People and they are food for
Lizard People so ignored her. Macron and Merkle gave it a crack but they speak a
different tongue and Trump can’t quite understand Western European Lizard
People Dialects. He learnt his Eastern European Lizard Tongues from Melania
which is why he and Vlads get on so well.
I don't know whether or not I have psychic ability but the rest of The Pub have just started discussing the facts and rumours regarding Lizard People. I need to finish this now.
And there we are. A decent six hours of piss farting around
and we haven’t gotten anywhere beyond what we already knew. Trump is an
incompetent idiot that bankrupts his businesses and is probably going to do the
same to The US economy while abandoning all of Americas allies that refuse to
play by the rules that he will change whenever it suits him. Rumours abound
about his perverted practices whenever he is in the same room as anyone born
behind the Iron Curtain but they are starting to call him ‘Teflon Don’. For
some reason this useless, racist, ignorant misogynist is still riding around
40% approval rating. It will be interesting to see what happens when his base
start losing their jobs because they can’t get any cheap materials from China.
Turnbull appreciates this because we sell most of our
minerals to China and fuck all to The States. He knows that America will start
to suffer a shortfall in Iron Ore, Coal and Steel if China can’t dump their
excess in North America and we might be able to take advantage of the
situation. If The Yanks have to pay more for the product because China won’t
export to them we might win out. He still yammers on about how free-trade is beneficial
to the world, but you can see his cold-blooded heart is excited by the
prospect. The only people that benefit from trade wars are Lizard People. The
Yanks have had The Bush Lizard People and The Ray-Gun Lizard People. Don’t
start me on LBJ, Nixon or Ford.
There are rumours Keating’s heritage was an open secret in
Canberra. An elder of The Goanna Clan he was outed on more than one occasion
until Howard of The Newts took his spot. I’m unsure as to what Lizard Clan
Turnbull belongs to but I’m thinking Gecko – loitering around, slightly out of
reach for the big beasts like Christensen, Abbott and Joyce but being forced to
make concessions so he can come back to the ground to drink some water. While
he can’t get his back bench and coalition partners in line with his policies he’s
not going to win the cup. If he can manage to get some consensus, he might pull
off a victory at the next election otherwise we’ll be stuck with Shorten…
Procrastination Done.
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